rumbled

the past few weeks have not been the brightest. but it really makes you put things in perspective. i am so thankful for my family, my friends, my ability to pursue my dreams, and the grounding i always manage to find even in tough times. 

a gunman went on a rampage a few blocks from my school today killing friends of friends, keelin's dad died last week, my car broke down, i found out i have to move out of my house, Chelsea might be moving out-of-state, i haven't been very focused on/excited about school, and i found out the person i'm (newly) dating is a conservative christian who doesn't support gay marriage, but i still like him. and i'm now rumbled because i just talked to an old love and will be seeing him tomorrow.

it's just a lot. 2012, why you so crazy? we aren't even halfway through yet. it all started with hitting that damn peacock on new years day.

 in the end though, life is good. and it always will be good. last saturday i woke up in my van with a towel as a pillow after a night of drinking. the birds were chirping and i had gotten a wonderful nights sleep. there was something special about that morning and i wish i could hold that feeling forever. i knew then that everything was gonna be alright.

i'm still a child

sometimes i think i'm a grown-up. i'm 25, i'm in graduate school, my parents don't support me financially, and i make my own decisions. but then when i actually look at my lifestyle and actions i have to question it. like last night - my room was a complete mess, i halfway unpacked from babysitting over the weekend which resulted in me dumping my suitcase on the floor. i drank a 22 of the hop ottin' ipa, was a little buzzed, and decided to get stoned before bed. then i pour myself some cereal, and of course add chocolate chips. then i set my cereal bowl in bed next to me, re-adjusted so that i can see my laptop screen better to watch grey's anatomy on netflix, and of course my cereal spills in my bed. then i just put a towel on top of the almond milk seeping into my mattress. it's moments like these that make me realize i'm still a kid.

spring clean

time to clean out my brain from negative thoughts, negative feelings towards others that are not justified and mostly out of jealousy, negative body image, and negativity in general. a spring clean.

i've been very up and down emotionally lately - but i kind of like it. i'm becoming more comfortable with being alone, but really at the heart of it i am a lover and i just want someone to love. i do have some issues to work out though, and that's usually best done alone.

time to try meditating every day again. today marks day two! prayers for world peace on sunday was wonderful, and it was followed by sunshine and the farmers market with my sister. sitting in that temple with the sun coming through the stained glass and the eight foot golden buddha and a smiling monk telling us we need to take care of ourselves and take care of each other is the best way to start the week. it's such a simple concept. find compassion and peace and contentment within yourself and you can spread it to others. beautiful!

alone in the snow

i've been meditating a bit more lately, but i'm not sure what good it has done. i've always thought i was good at being alone, i liked being alone. but right now it's hard. i want to travel again - i felt a lot less lonely thousands of miles away from everyone that i knew because i was content with myself and i felt complete. now i am searching for something. i think it's just exacerbated by the fact that i haven't heard from cowboy.

i did see a fellow recently that i used to think about a lot. i still think about a lot. but i know right now it's best for me to deal with these feelings of loneliness and turn them into solitude. i know it will be a long road but i have to go.

i need to get away. from my e-mail, petty conversation, always wanting a distraction. what am i afraid of finding if i'm truly just present with myself?

almost a new year, but i'm not done with this one yet

2011 turned out to be the best yet.

I have butterflies again. And it's hard to think about other things.

most wonderful time of the year

Soynog, putting up lights, christmas music. I am such a sucker for the holidays. And weekends. And too much boozing on the weekends but dancing and laughing and waking up not-so-refreshed but smiling. Booty dancing followed by a sleepover and delicious ramen with the classmates, 1:30am walks across the city with my bestie and succumbing to internet dating (again) were not what I had planned, but they happened. And now I'm roasting brussel sprouts. That wasn't planned either.

I am happy. And mostly content. The structure and intensity of graduate school is a blessing and a burden. It will help me grow and learn how to listen, learn how to heal, learn that none of this can really be learned, as it's all already within us. I've just found a paradigm under which to express it.

Too many things happening in my head right now.

New Journey

Fall is a time when we hold onto what we need, what is dear to us, and let go of the rest. We look inwards.

There are things I'm holding on to that I don't need to be. A weird anxiety and fear of truly being alone with myself. But. Learning and expanding and realizing that I'm on the right path has been amazing for me. Comparing where I am now with where I was a year ago is huge. To where I was two years ago is lightyears. I'm back! And I'm happy. Not without some issues, but happy.

What I need is an outlet. I have energy and the desire to create something. I just don't know what. Balls.