almost a new year, but i'm not done with this one yet

2011 turned out to be the best yet.

I have butterflies again. And it's hard to think about other things.

most wonderful time of the year

Soynog, putting up lights, christmas music. I am such a sucker for the holidays. And weekends. And too much boozing on the weekends but dancing and laughing and waking up not-so-refreshed but smiling. Booty dancing followed by a sleepover and delicious ramen with the classmates, 1:30am walks across the city with my bestie and succumbing to internet dating (again) were not what I had planned, but they happened. And now I'm roasting brussel sprouts. That wasn't planned either.

I am happy. And mostly content. The structure and intensity of graduate school is a blessing and a burden. It will help me grow and learn how to listen, learn how to heal, learn that none of this can really be learned, as it's all already within us. I've just found a paradigm under which to express it.

Too many things happening in my head right now.

New Journey

Fall is a time when we hold onto what we need, what is dear to us, and let go of the rest. We look inwards.

There are things I'm holding on to that I don't need to be. A weird anxiety and fear of truly being alone with myself. But. Learning and expanding and realizing that I'm on the right path has been amazing for me. Comparing where I am now with where I was a year ago is huge. To where I was two years ago is lightyears. I'm back! And I'm happy. Not without some issues, but happy.

What I need is an outlet. I have energy and the desire to create something. I just don't know what. Balls.

starting over

anxiety pit in stomach has weighed me down the past few days. some things i've realized:

1. i don't think i'd be very good at living alone.
2. regression? maybe? i felt so good while i was traveling.
3. this is real life.

i am lonely. i am a fighter. i am ready.

Acceptance.

Lonely is a freedom that breathes easy and weightless.

Sometimes it doesn't breathe so easy though.

right choice

Turns out my change of plans was for the best. It's hard to imagine being in Santa Cruz right now, at a school I didn't feel 100% about, away from family and friends, and without my five month adventure experience. I am so much more ready to tackle the world now. BUT now that I'm back to the daily grind (not really, all I do is look for jobs, hang out with Keelin, and take Marley on walks), insomnia has set in. Time to get back on the meditation train!